Category Archives: Mothers of Children with Special Needs

Calf Muscles and a Reminder of Who’s in Charge

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growing-boy2

Last night my husband was out of town, and my son asked if he could “have a sleepover.” At 5 foot, 5 inches tall and fourteen years old, he still loves sleeping in our bed when one of us is away. I love that!  Around 3:00am, I got up to let the dog out, and as I crawled back in bed, there was a very long, bony leg that had stretched over on to my side of the bed. That thing was hard! And big! As I grabbed ahold of his calf muscle to move the leg back to his side, I had a flashback that brought me to tears.

See, when Zach was about two weeks old, we flew to a family reunion. On that trip, I carried him in my front pack baby carrier (which, by the way, we had not had for baby daughters 1 and 2, but my goodness, did it come in handy for baby #3!). I very clearly remember wrapping my thumb and first finger around his teeny, tiny little calf muscle. My finger went around his leg and nearly as tight as it could get back to my thumb to encircle the calf. I asked God in that moment to help me always remember how little that leg was- and how little my son had begun.

The Lord was faithful to answer that prayer last night as my same thumb and first finger can no longer come even close to touching around that calf muscle. It is bigger and stronger, and runs faster and jumps higher.

And I have had absolutely nothing to do with it.

Now, of course, we have provided our son with food, clothing and shelter needed to grow. But I have not put any effort or resource into growing that calf muscle. God has just done it!

And isn’t it by God’s grace that we have provided the food, clothing and shelter anyway?

It is God who works in you to will and act according to His good pleasure. Philippians 2:19

 God is the Creator- and He is still faithfully working to shape my son into the man He made Him to be. He is working in him to grow him physically and spiritually and intellectually and emotionally. GOD is doing that, not me.

It is God who works in my son to will and act according to His good pleasure.

We as moms are pretty good “control freaks.” We are good at working hard to keep everything in control. We work to control our family’s schedule, our family’s meals, our family’s behavior and our family’s appearance. But we are also pretty good at forgetting who’s really in charge.

Last night as I held that giant leg, once so tiny in my fingers, I was reminded of who’s really in charge. God created my son just as he was born- fearfully and wonderfully made, knit together in his mother’s womb (Psalm 139: 13-14). And God is still the One working in Him to grow Him exactly how He has ordained. He invites me to be a part of this process, but I need to remember that this child is not mine to grow. He is God’s.

Of course, not one of my children is perfect- from a human perspective. Each has their unique challenges and weaknesses, strengths and gifts. Their uniqueness-es serve only to more magnificently glorify the great creative Creator. My power is made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). They also serve as reminders of who is in control- and who is not.

How can we better remember that God is in charge- working His will in our children’s lives?

Reflect on the past and the progress that has been made. Think back on where you were a year ago, five years ago, or where you were when your child was born. How has he or she made progress- even if only small steps- in the last week, month and year? Look at old pictures and reminisce together. Most importantly, look for God’s touch, His presence, along this journey- and give Him great thanks and praise!

Ponder the possibilities and dream big for what is to come. You know better than anyone else what all is packed inside each of your children. Imagine where God is headed with that! Don’t miss the forest for the trees. Glance ahead to the beautiful unfolding of all God brought this chosen child here to be and do.

And pause to be thankful and content for what is. Still your heart from all the rush and stress daily living can often bring, and be thankful. Make a list of things you’re thankful for today- even the littlest things. Rejoice always, pray continuously, and give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. (2 Corinthians 5:16-18).

I’m so thankful God is in charge- and I am not. There is a deep peace that comes in the surrendering of my way, my control, my plan, to His. His is far better than I can imagine. He has wisdom and power and resources beyond all human knowing. And He is working all on our behalf- for our good and for His glory.

Take this scripture and fill in the name of your child- and remember God is working in him or her. (You can also try plugging in the name of your husband, or your frustrating coworker or family member, or anyone whom you need to remember is in God’s hand too).

It is God who works in ______to will and act according to His good purposes. Philippians 2:19

Let Moms Receive Their King

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CrownonGround           

It’s become almost embarrassing. The first three notes of the first Christmas song rolled out as Advent begins never fail to send me straight to tears. Big tears. Sometimes almost to a full-on sob. It’s that time of year again.

It’s those songs again.

It’s the celebration of the arrival of my Savior again. And that’s what makes me cry- and keep on crying. He came for us.

Each year it seems a different lyric will really get to me. Usually it’s in the lines of “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing”- as that one has so much rich theology in it. But this week, it came to me in “Joy to the World.”

Joy to the World- the Lord is come! Let earth receive her king

Let every heart prepare him room, And heaven and nature sing

Let earth receive her king.

In that, I seemed to hear, let Lori receive her king.  What would it look like for me to truly receive my king? There are several dictionary definitions for “receive”- all which seem to apply.

  1. To assimilate through the mind or senses
  2. To permit to enter- to admit
  3. To accept as authoritative, true or accurate- to believe
  4. To welcome, to greet

How can I assimilate through my mind the King of kings? Will I give Him permission to enter my heart and have admittance into my life? Will I accept Him as authoritative and true- will I believe? Is my heart open to welcome and greet Him upon His arrival?

As busy moms, so often caught in the urgency of daily living, struggling just to get by, we can take these next few weeks to prepare to receive the King again into our lives. Reflect afresh on the radical coming of this Great King- His quiet invasion to redeem our broken world.

Receive His peace. Isaiah’s prophecy called Him “Prince of Peace.” And it went on to say, “Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end.” (Isaiah 9:6-7). With His reign, Jesus offers His people peace. Under His rule, we can find rest. He longs for us to cease struggling and battling on our own, and instead, receive His peace, letting Him wage the wars for us. As Mary held her infant Son, she knew His peace. The world in turmoil surrounded them, but she knew peace. We too can know that peace as we behold our Prince of Peace.

Receive His freedom. “He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners.” (Luke 4:18) Jesus came to bring freedom, yet so many of us live in bondage. We live shackled to our fears and failures, our issues and insecurities. We hang out in the prison cells whose locks Christ opened long ago. Twila Paris sings the line “Even we who call His name so often miss the treasure.” Yes, we who call His name often miss the treasure of the freedom He was sent to proclaim. When we receive Him as King, we must also receive the fullness of the freedom He provides for His children. Daughters of the King, our shackles have been released.

Receive His reign. If He is the King of me, I have to consciously choose to place Him on the throne of my life every day. I have to choose to live under His authority, and give Him charge of my daily decisions and circumstances. As the dictionary definition says, it is a decision to “accept as authoritative, true and accurate, and to believe.” It is a decision that begins with believing that He is a capable King, and that He is a good King. We know He is capable because He is the Creator of all. He has the authority to protect and to provide for that which He made. And we know He is a good King. His purposes are always for His glory and my good (and my good is always to draw back to His glory). We know He is good because He sent His Only Son- “He so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son.” (John 3:16).

The line that follows after “Let earth receive her king” is a challenging one.

Let every heart prepare Him room.

How can I make room in my heart to receive the King? I think it starts with a good clearing out of pride- “I can do it by myself” and “I don’t need anyone to help me.” We need to clear out fear and trust this King with everything. And we need to clear out bitterness that often grows over time and settles into stay.

Will you receive your King this Christmas? Will you receive His peace and freedom? Will you give Him full reign over your life and the lives of your children?

To all who received Him, to those who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God.  John 1:12

As we receive Him, we are given the right to become His children.

We are daughters of the King.  Let heaven and nature sing!

Not What I Expected

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pregnant-woman-outsideParenting has not been what I expected.

I expected that I would roll smoothly into this new role as a mother, and begin to flourish in my new life of caring for this precious newborn child. What I didn’t expect was to learn how self-centered I was, and to become aware of how much of my motivation was to make me, myself and I look good. I had to completely switch gears, and turn my focus onto this little one who needed constant care. She began to draw me away from thinking only of myself, and that has been harder on some days than on others.

I expected to be able to implement ideas from our multiple positive parenting classes and produce perfectly-behaved children. I naively expected these discipline formulas to work flawlessly as the children began to assert their own wills contrary to mine. What I didn’t expect is that each personality and each behavior challenge and each situation would be different, and would require a different set of words and actions in response from me. What I didn’t expect is that some times that would go well, and other times it would be a complete disaster. I had to learn to give my children and myself a lot more grace to grow, and I had to rely more fully on the guidance of the Holy Spirit. (My favorite parenting verse is John 14:26, “The Holy Spirit will teach you all things.)

I expected to bring a child into this world who would be healthy physically. What I didn’t expect is that she would be critically-ill and need major surgery just 8 days in. Or that her younger sister would have ongoing health and growth challenges. Or that their younger brother would need two sets of stitches in one week when he was only 2 years old. Or that their younger sister would need glasses. (And of course this list goes on…). No, I didn’t expect all the physical and mental health challenges we have faced. I didn’t anticipate how thankful we would be for health insurance. And as I pause to reflect on this, I guess I was not accounting for the fact that these four that I’ve been entrusted with were born into the same broken world that I was. And as much as I hate watching them hurt or struggle and face these difficulties in their lives, I know as God has been with me, so will He be with them to be the peace in the midst of the hard. As He is my Healer and Helper, I pray He will continue to be that even more for my children.

I expected that my husband, my parents, my friends and neighbors would always be there to support me on my motherhood journey, and that we would all be like-minded and share the same priorities. Since “it takes a village,” I looked forward to teaming up in harmony with the other adults in our world to raise these kids up right. What I didn’t expect was that we wouldn’t always agree on what is best for them, and things that are really important to me may not always be important to others. I can now testify to how much I’ve learned from others’ perspective, and also to how many times I’ve had to press in to hear God’s voice among the others to be faithful to what He has called me to do for my family.

And I also didn’t expect how much of this journey I would walk alone. Many times in raising my children I am the only adult around. And in those times I have to dig deeper to parent in a way that pleases God alone- my audience of One. Yes, wiping dirty bottoms, cleaning up vomit, caring for a sleepless child in the middle of the night, are all times my motivation and integrity are tested. Who will I be when no one is watching me? But, oh yes, there is someone watching me. God Himself is there- but also each of the four sets of eyes in my care are watching me too.

The expectations I had at the front end of motherhood were limited at best, and at times just flat out “off.” While some of those expectations were broken into disappointment, still many others have been surpassed with the surprise blessings that have come along the way. I didn’t expect that watching a child sleep (as newborns, and even now as teenagers) would bring such peace to my heart. I didn’t expect the full joy that would come wearing preschooler-made Mother’s Day jewelry. I didn’t expect the deep warmth of a child’s hug (and sometimes a slobbery kiss!). And I didn’t expect the relief and gratitude that comes with a doctor’s “We’re making progress.”

Watching each one grow, at their own pace, in their own strengths and challenges, physically and emotionally and spiritually, has been a great adventure. And true, it hasn’t been what I expected.

It has been so much more.

No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him.  2 Corinthians 2:9

Thankful for Dads

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DadandLori1

I woke up this morning 750 miles away from my Dad. For the last 20 years, I have worked to celebrate him on Father’s Day, usually from my far away adult world, while also celebrating the great dad that my husband is to our family. The more years that pass, the more I realize what a gift I have in my dad. I realize that his faithfulness, kindness and unconditional love are rare. And I realize that his character has helped me better understand the character of God.

I’m thankful for years of special memories- hiking the Colorado mountains, fishing New Mexico streams, cross-country camper trips to my Grammy’s house, and always seeing him in the stands for my volleyball games. My dad was present, and very active in our lives. (And he still is). He took time to pass along wisdom and life tips to my sister and me. (And he still does). He always knew what to do in a crisis, and he always told too many “punny” jokes. For all he gave, and all he shared, and all he taught, I am very thankful.

Years ago I was in a Bible Study that looked at the influence our earthly fathers have on our understanding of our Heavenly Father. We filled out a chart with lots of characteristics, both positive and negative, and checked those that described our earthly dad. Then we turned the page and did the same for how we view God. And then on the third page, we laid the two sets of answers on top of each other. It was so insightful to see how similar the two lists were. People who had angry fathers tended to see God as angry, or people who had strong fathers tended to see God as strong, etc.

I am thankful for my own father, who wasn’t perfect, but had many God-like characteristics for me to experience, and for so many fathers I see that are living out the love, strength, wisdom and closeness of God for their families.

Thankful for dads who play. Dads are usually better than moms at play time- or at least that has been my experience. Dads communicate a lot of love through teasing and wrestling and joking and giggling. Moms tend to be more preoccupied with the “serious” things and taking care of all the details for daily living. Playing dads teach us to be happy and joyful, and not take life or ourselves too seriously.

May the righteous be glad and rejoice before God; may they be happy and joyful.  Psalm 68:3

Thankful for dads who pray. Dads who set an example and lead out spiritually for their families teach more by their actions, than by their wise words. Guiding their children with wisdom they have sought from God, and extending God-like compassion and grace, set a life-long impression of their Heavenly Father.

Fathers, do not exasperate your children, but bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.  Ephesians 6:4

Thankful for dads who stay. Several years ago I helped our church start an outreach for parents of children with special needs. I was expecting moms and dads to come, and share an encouraging Bible Study, and support one another on this hard journey. What I didn’t expect though, was that the parents who came would be primarily single mothers. Single moms raising one or more children with special needs on their own. Yes, I had read of the high divorce rates of these families, but I didn’t want to believe dads could actually leave their wives and children with so many challenges. Yet it happens more often than not.

Two things I would like to say in light of this. First, if you are a dad who is staying, thank you. And if you are a wife of a dad who is staying, be thankful. Be very thankful. Press in close to God for strength and cling tightly to each other through the hard. You will display the faithfulness of God as you do.

Second, if you are a mother raising children on your own, you too can press in close to God for strength. He is your perfect Heavenly Father, and He is that for your children. He loves each of them more than you do, and promises to take care of their every need. My God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:19

God is your heavenly husband: For your Maker is your husband, the LORD Almighty is His name. Isaiah 54:5 (Read the whole chapter for more promises).

God is their heavenly father: A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows. Psalm 68:8

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!  I John 3:1

As we honor fathers on Father’s Day, let’s be thankful for the dads who have been a part of our lives and our children’s lives. And let’s work to  trust our Heavenly Father to heal our hurts and meet our unmet needs with his perfect Fatherly love, compassion and care.

Is He not your Father, your Creator, who made you and formed you?  Deuteronomy 32:6

The LORD Himself goes before you and will be with you. He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.  Deuteronomy 31:8

 

Praise from a Place of Pain

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PraisingBeachMy good friend sings in our church choir. She always sings with all the strength of her beautiful voice, lifting the name of our Savior high in song. But tonight, she seemed to be singing with an extra depth, an extra vigor, and an extra true joy shining on her face. I could hardly watch her without some of my own tears springing forth. I am one of only a few who know the hard she is facing and the great depth of the pain from where she is coming to praise God the way she does. Difficulties in her marriage and with her child are almost insurmountable, and she is struggling with grief, betrayal, anger, anxiety, hurt and confusion.

It is easy to give God praise when life is beautiful, but how can we give Him praise when life is hard? He is pleased when we praise Him from a place of blessing, but I believe He receives even greater glory when we praise Him from a place of pain.

To bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of despair. Isaiah 61:3

Isaiah’s prophecy about the Spirit of the Sovereign Lord was proclaimed hundreds of years later by Jesus as He began His earthly ministry. He told the people “Today the scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.”  (Luke 4:22) He proclaimed Himself as the one who brings us a new garment in the midst of our ashes, mourning and despair. Christ covers our pain with praise.

The contrast of the light of praise to the darkness of our pain makes it shine even brighter. Light a candle outside in the afternoon sun and it can’t hardly be seen. But light it in the darkness of midnight, and its light shines forth enough light to comfort your fear and guide your feet.

Praising God in our pain is “heart” work. It is making a conscious choice to lift our hearts and minds above the pain to see God still reigning on His throne. And it is choosing to praise Him there.

Why are you downcast, I my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.  My soul is downcast within me, therefore I will remember you. Psalm 42:5-6

The Psalmist here speaks of a conscious decision to place his hope in God, reaching out from his downcast and disturbed soul to look for his Savior and God. He “remembers” God as he moves his mind from his pain to praise.

In times of great pain, our emotions can be all over the place. We have to allow our minds to lead out over our hearts seeking truth and perspective that move us towards Christ. We want to seek Him first and follow hard after Him even in our pain, and not be swept into even greater pain by letting our hurting hearts guide our decisions. “The heart is deceitful above all things” (Jeremiah 17:9).

Praising God in our pain points others to Christ. God uses our pain and the hope we hold on to through it to draw others to Himself by faith. As they see us hurting, yet hanging on to Christ, they see genuine faith lived out. They see a hope that they want to have. Our pain has a purpose in our lives, yes, but also in the lives of those who are touched as we live through it.

But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.  1 Peter 3:15

Praising God in our pain calls Him in close. Psalm 22:3 says, “You are holy, and you inhabit the praise of Israel” (KJV). When we praise God, He inhabits, He lives in our praise. Psalm 75:1 says, “We give thanks to you, O God, for your Name is near.” He is near! He is here! He is pleased to dwell with those who are dwelling in His praise.

Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed. Save me, and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise. Jeremiah 17:14

It’s hard to describe in words, but we have a funny tradition at our house. If someone falls or trips or in some crazy way hurts themselves, they follow it by getting back on their feet, raising their hands and proclaiming a simple, “I’m okay!” Praising God in our pain is somewhat like this. Though we may be hurting, from our own shortcomings or someone else’s, we raise our hands and let God and everyone else know, “I’m okay!”

We can be more than okay as we choose to lift hearts to our God and Savior still seated on His heavenly throne. As we praise Him there, we shine His light to others and call Him in close to see us through. May God give us greater faith to praise Him from our places of pain.

Strong Woman, Good Mom

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MothersDayFlowersMother’s Day 2015. Today we celebrate moms. We celebrate our moms, our stepmoms, our grandmothers, and our mother-in-laws. We send cards and flowers to some, and share brunch with others.

And we celebrate the joy of getting to be moms. We are thankful for our husbands and the children who made us moms. We celebrate the privilege of getting to be the one that they call “Mom.”

This year more than ever before have I seen the need to celebrate moms- not just on this day, but on every day. So many moms I’ve met are needing encouragement. Visiting with women on international mission trips and sitting beside the baseball field, swimming pool, and dance studio here at home, I have talked with countless moms who are beat down, stressed out, overwhelmed, and just plain exhausted.  And while all of us are wrestling with the many daily tasks moms must take on, we are wrestling with even deeper questions of value and worth. Am I doing enough to help my child succeed? Am I helping my child make the right choices?  Am I spending our time and money the right way? Will my child be okay?

Being a mom is hard. It is hard physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. People sometimes compare parenting toddlers and parenting teenagers, as if one is easier than the other. While the demands and challenges may be different at different ages, it’s all very hard. And it’s hard everyday.

I think just admitting that to ourselves first, and then to others, can bring a great deal of relief and freedom. In Romania last summer, I met several groups of mothers of children with special needs. Each time I met with them, I would start out with the simple phrase, “I know it’s hard.”  It would amaze me what a difference that would make in the look on their faces. “And I know it’s hard everyday.” Their whole countenance would relax, and several would start to cry, when we admitted this is not easy, and no one does it perfectly, and acknowledged the daily challenge that rules their world.

We open ourselves to grace and to the strength God provides when we admit the task is bigger than we can handle on our own.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” That is why for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.  2 Corinthians 12:9-10

When I would finish meeting with these precious mothers, I would take hold of their hands, look them straight in the eye, and with the help of a translator, tell them simply, “You are a strong woman and a good mom.”

That’s what I wanted to resonate with them long after they went home that day. Those simple, true words of blessing that I prayed would counter the discouragement and despair they came in carrying. I pray today that I could share those words with other mothers in need of the same encouragement.

You are a strong woman. Just as God gave you the strength to bring your children into the world, so will He give you the strength to carry them through it for the time He’s given them to you.

You are strong physically- loads of laundry, bags of groceries, double strollers, and sleeping toddlers. Her arms are strong for the task. Proverbs 31:17

You are strong mentally- balancing checkbooks, calculating pre-algebra problems, dispensing medications, and following new recipes.

You are strong emotionally- managing anger, dealing with disappointment, working through sadness, and giving patience.

And you are strong spiritually- drawing near to God, leaning on the Holy Spirit, following Christ and resting in Him.

And you are a good mom. Good moms want the very best for their children, which of course every loving mother does. Good moms work hard with the resources they have to make the best life for their children. Good moms do the best they can in each day, and wake up again to try again the next day.

Good moms, however, are not perfect moms.

Good moms make mistakes, and give themselves grace when they do. They let their children make mistakes, and give the same grace to them.

Good moms know that God is taking care of them, as they take care of their children. And they trust God to be the perfect provider and protector for all of them.

Good moms know we are all on a journey, growing closer to Christ and to each other as we grow up in years. He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ.  Philippians 1:6

You are strong woman. You are a good mom. Who do you know needs to hear this today? Do you need to tell yourself this today? Let’s be moms that admit how hard our jobs are, and build one another up as we tackle this one hard day at a time. Let’s turn far away from comparing and criticizing and expecting perfection from others and from ourselves. Let’s trust God with our children, and lean on the strength, wisdom and joy He provides. Let’s serve Him as we serve them.

And let’s remember that the motherly love we have for our kids is meant to be only a small taste of the perfect Heavenly Father love God has for us. The love He had for us before we were mothers, the love He has for us as we mother, and the love He will have for us forever.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Colossians 3:12

We love because He first loved us.  1 John 4:19